(Philippians 3:8-12)
I'm not going to lie. I've been down lately. This past month has been an emotional barrage of events that has left me scrambling to find some solid footing on unshakable ground. I feel like I can relate to Psalm 42:7 and 69:1-2 more than I would like to. I read Jonah 2, and I know that there is a sure hope to cling to, but it all seems so disconnected.
More often than not, writing this blog is a very difficult task for me. I'm not a very outgoing person, as some of you know. I'm not the kind of guy that will just walk up to you and tell you my life's story. If you ask my wife, she'll tell you that I'm not the best at telling people what's on my mind or how I'm feeling. I prefer to keep it to myself most of the time. It's my burden to bear. That's my mentality about a lot of things.
When I feel really weighed down with anxious cares, I find that one of the best remedies is for me to open my eyes and look around. Everybody is weighed down with anxious cares, and my predicament is no different.
Christmas season is the worst season ever. Spoken like someone who has worked retail for over five years. Something about the last part of the year brings out the absolute worst in people. People are trying to put in overtime and fewer hours of sleep to bring in some extra money so they can spend it on buying people gifts they don't need. Everybody stresses out about money, pleasing each other, bragging about their money vicariously by buying the most expensive gifts, and getting mad at anybody that gets in their way. I hated working at a retail store during the holidays. It was stressful, and it was always added stress to what I already had going on. Nothing irritated me more than when one of my co-workers would call in on the busiest day of the year and tell us that they weren't going to make it in because they were tired. We're all tired! We're all stressed! Get over it like the rest of us and stop whining about it.
That's how I feel when things start getting tough. I don't want to complain about my itsy bitsy problems to someone who has major problems. I take a second to regroup, look around with a compassionate eye, and see those hurting more than me. You know what, more often than not, the people suffering with real stress from real problems are typically the ones that are the most optimistic and uplifting to be around. I always feel bad about myself and my faith after listening to them speak about their trials and tribulations and the way God has graciously buttressed them to rest by faith in Him in the midst of it all. They don't whine, they don't complain, but they remain steadfast, looking to Christ as the greatest good in their lives; a solid rock that can never be shaken.
You feel silly breaking down over the small stuff and being uplifted by someone who has all the room in the world to come up to you and say, You're getting all worked up about that? That's nothing. If anybody should be broke down it should be me, but you don't see me crying. But they don't. They don't start singing Craig Morgan's "This Ain't Nothin.'" They come up beside you, put their arm around you, look you in the eyes, and say, with all sincerity, "I'm praying for you. We'll make it through this."
We'll make it through this. Life's stressful, full of toil and woe. Anxiety, heartbreak, and suffering are the names of the game. They are temporal curses in a sea of eternal blessings, we should count it all joy when we suffer, we should remember the great treasure we have awaiting us in Heaven, we should remember Christ's command to seek first the Kingdom of God when we are anxious, but it is all easier said than done.
It hasn't been easy taking the nightmare of my life and broadcasting it for anybody with enough patience and curiosity to read. Some things we would rather people did not know about us. Needless to say, more secrets of mine are out in the open than I could have imagined five years ago. There is nothing that I am proud of in my past, and it feels like I've unloaded my shame in front of everyone with a scrutinizing eye to see. My brothers and sisters in Christ know more about me than they probably wanted to know. How they react to the revelation, I still worry about. Obviously, what I have written has to make people see me differently, and I don't know how they will react or are reacting to it all.
It's been tough, but it has been uplifting at times too. Some readers have expressed encouragement that has been the wind behind my sails. To know that it is not all for naught is relieving. To know that this blog is helpful and that it is encouraging those struggling with pornography or depression to look to Christ as their Savior is all that I could have ever hoped for. I've always had the intended goal of sharing my story for Christ's sake, and not my own. I have very little to gain by exposing my past and present life of sin to the world, but I count it all gain that others know Christ and Him crucified by my confession.
A lot has changed in my life, but a lot has not changed. By the grace of God, pornography is no longer the stumbling block that it once was, but to say that it is never a temptation anymore is a lie. If you keep reading my blog, hoping for a sure-fire formula for overcoming the temptation to pornography once and for all, then you're going to be disappointed. The formula exists, but your ability to use it is iffy. There is a way out of every temptation, and looking to Christ crucified and risen by faith, seeking the grace of God by prayer, and seeking the comfort of the Spirit in the Word is the only way to overcome temptation. But it is not the methodology that is faulty. It is the execution on your part to put the formula to work that is faulty.
I'm not going to give you a date in my life where I stopped struggling with pornography once and for all. It's a constant temptation. Yes, by the grace of God the Father and the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit conforming me to the image of Christ Jesus I have made leaps and bounds in my struggle with the temptation to sin. That's not to say it ever ceases to be a temptation for me. As a Christian, Satan knows my pressure points, and he knows exactly where to push and when to push. He doesn't push when I am wearing the full armor of God. He slithers in when my guard is down, parts of the armor are missing, and he squeezes hard.
It's been a rough month for me, and God has been gracious. I lost a good friend and a close brother unexpectedly at the beginning of the month. I have been looking for work, and just as soon as I seem to have the answer to my prayers, the door shuts and I have to move on. Our home flooded a little bit a couple of weeks ago, and I think the carpet is finally bone dry. Other things have piled on, adding further weight to the burden on my shoulders. I have felt like a recovering alcoholic sitting in a bar during happy hour for the last month. Satan's just been squeezing and squeezing every pressure point he can get his hands on, and I'm scrambling to get the full armor of God on before I cry uncle.
When I feel most vulnerable, I write. I open up my blog, and I just start typing. I remind myself of where I came from (Egypt) and where I am headed to (the Promised Land). I'm not looking back. I don't want to wander around in the wilderness for forty years. I want to press forward to where every promise is yes and amen in Christ Jesus. I want to take as many people with me as I can. I am humbled by the number following me out of Egypt, and looking to Christ as the only answer to their enslavement to sin.
I find something to do. I turn off the computer, I keep the television off, and I sit on the couch and read. Yeah, it's not helping me find a job any faster, but it shuts up the enemy and opens my ears to truth.
Prayer. I have not prayed enough lately. Without a doubt, the weakest part of my walk with the Lord is in my prayer life. In fact, that's what I wanted to talk about next in my narrative. I wanted to relay to you how the book "Talking With God" by Wayne Spear was by far the most encouraging book I read after my conversion because I had taken the opportunity to talk to my God, Creator, and Redeemer for granted. But how could I encourage others to look to the power of prayer and its efficacy in Christ when I haven't been doing so myself? I need to pray more, there's no doubt about that.
Yeah, it's been a rough month, but by the sheer grace of God, I'm bouncing back. Satan's been telling me what I want to believe, and God has been telling me what I need to believe. You know truth when you see it, and it is never to your advantage to suppress it. Some of you might have been remembering me in your prayers, and I thank you for doing so. Please continue to pray for me as I endeavor to continue this task.
I thank you for reading and I thank you for caring enough to read. If anything, I want you to remember that there is more to this blog than just words on a computer screen. There's a person, just like you, behind every word. There is nothing special about me. I don't claim to have it all figured out, but what I do know, I hope to share with you. With that said, if you ever need somebody to talk to about anything that I discuss in my blogs, I am literally a click of the mouse away. This isn't like a book where the author is distant. I am right here for you if you need help. I'm on the other side of your screen no matter where in the world you are. I'm here for you, and I thank you all for being here for me. I'm praying for you. We'll make it through this.
If you are struggling with pornography or know somebody that is and you found this blog helpful, uplifting, and encouraging, then please visit my Facebook page for further resources and discussion. If you would like to contact me, feel free to message me through my Facebook page as well. I am literally a click away. I would love to know who you are and keep you in my prayers. Thanks.
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