If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
(Colossians 3:1-5)
Having set the table, it is now time to eat. Indicatives are followed by imperatives. This is the way it is, therefore do this in light of it. In Colossians, Paul lays the ground work for why believers need to put to death what is earthly in them long before he tells them that it is time to do so. Having emphasized why the Christian cannot continue to look at pornography after being raised with Christ, it is time to focus on the imperative of mortification (i.e. putting sin to death).
Pornography, as I have outlined before, is a faceless sin. Many Christians struggle with an addiction to it without anyone ever knowing: mom and dad, husband or wife, children, grand-children, elders, deacons, pastor, or congregation. As long as pornography remains a sin between you and God, you will suffer with it far more and far longer than you need to. As much as you love God, or as much as you claim you do, you will try to keep Him out of the picture, and you'll actually think that you are the only one that knows what you are doing. Every now and then you might think God is watching you, but you'll perish the thought very quickly. Let's face it, if you really felt the gravity of your sin in the presence of a holy God, then this problem wouldn't be a problem. So, a problem between you and God sadly becomes a problem between you and an invisible person in your room that isn't going to do anything about it (that's how you'll approach it).
An addiction to pornography has these three things working against you:
- Anonymity
- Accessibility
- Accountability
There's more to the facelessness of pornography than the fact that nobody knows that you have a problem. To further perpetuate the problem, the people you are watching are not watching back. Not only are you behind closed doors, but the interaction with stimulation remains completely anonymous. You can watch thousands of videos and look at millions of pictures, and the people in the images never see that you're in the room with them even though you feel like you are. You are the man or woman behind the curtain. You're eavesdropping and no one is the wiser.
Young people take advantage of the anonymity. Pornography is not supposed to be accessible for anyone under 18, however, it is not very hard for a child under eighteen to access pornographic websites. There are no background checks or identification verifications to access the backroom of the internet. They don't even need a fake ID to get passed the security guard in front of the curtain. For most sites, they just have to click a button following a statement that they are about to view pornographic images and that they acknowledge they are 18 or over to continue. Some sites require registrations, but a fake name, fake email, and some basic math skills allow minors access to pornographic websites because everything revolves around anonymity.
The emphasis on anonymity in the pornographic industry is ironic. Supposedly, there is nothing wrong with it and it is perfectly acceptable. It is all about freedom of speech and freedom to express yourself. And yet, it is widely accepted that it is best appreciated in the privacy of your own home when you are all by yourself. Nobody has to know that you are exercising perfectly normal behavior. Have you ever noticed that adult stores almost always have parking at the rear end of the building? They also never have windows. Is it to keep children safe or to keep identities safe? Why do you need freedom of speech for something that you whisper in a room all by yourself? If it is so acceptable, then why does it all revolve around anonymity?
Accessibility
Having mentioned adult bookstores, accessibility to pornography has completely changed in the last twenty to thirty years. No statistics are required to show that accessibility to pornography on the internet has caused consumption to skyrocket. The internet not only made it accessible but even more anonymous. You don't have to buy a subscription to an adult magazine and have it sent to a private PO box to keep it a secret. You no longer have to sneak out of your suburban home and take a trip to the adult bookstore in the red-light district. All you have to do is whip out your cell phone and start browsing. All you have to do is lock yourself in your room, tell everyone you're studying, and clear your browsing history afterwards. Pornography is accessible everywhere you have a device with internet accessibility.
Accountability
This goes hand in hand with the other two problems with pornography. The ability to consume pornography completely anonymously and whenever and wherever you want makes it a very difficult problem to hold someone accountable for. If you are trying to hold yourself accountable, it isn't going to happen. The temptation is so great because of anonymity and accessibility, that you will never hold yourself accountable and those trying to hold you accountable will never be able to guess how you found a way to fall to temptation again.
Imagine a massive warehouse full of pornography. There are literally millions of doors to the same room. You can never lock all of the doors. If you want to find a way into the warehouse, then you will find a way in. Some doors may be barred and locked, but a few doors down the hall gives you complete access to the whole warehouse. This is the problem with pornography on the internet. Dads and moms cannot keep their children out, husbands and wives cannot keep their spouses out, pastors and elders cannot keep their members out, and big brother cannot keep our children safe.
Any parent that thinks that their children are safe because they have installed internet filters on their computers need to remember that there are millions of unlocked doors to this warehouse and they have only managed to lock two or three. Every new electronic device isn't worth two cents unless it has internet connectivity. Computers, tablets, laptops, phones, gaming devices, electronic readers, televisions, and even kitchen appliances all boast of internet connectivity. You cannot lock the warehouse. The only way you'll ever keep someone out is by emphasizing to that person that no good can come from going in.
With the Triple A's of pornography in mind, you have to think about how members in the church can combat this growing problem. Obviously, this isn't a problem that we are going to fix easily. You can't look at someone and just tell that they have an addiction to pornography. You can't follow them everywhere they go to see if they go to that one part of town where pornography is available. And even if you can catch them or get them to admit to a problem, how can you ever hope to hold them accountable?
If you are a Christian and you are struggling with pornography the Triple A's of pornography are your worst enemy. You have sunk further and further into the pornography quicksand because it is such an easy sin to fall into and sink into. It is almost as if it is too easy to sin and get away with it. It is as if Satan's forked tongue slithers into your ear and asks, "How can you afford not to sin when it is so simple and no one will know?" You know that the only way you will ever overcome this sin in your life is by combating the Triple A's of pornography. You may not know how that works (or maybe you don't want to know), but I am going to encourage you to use the Triple A's to your advantage rather than to your destruction.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Combating an addiction to pornography does not require rocket-science. There's not a simple ten step program that will help you overcome this demon in your life, however. Every Christian struggling with an addiction to pornography knows that they have to quit and that they can quit, but nobody is willing to take that first crucial step. It's apparent, it's blatant, it's staring us in the eyes, and yet, nobody is willing to take that initial leap of faith, and it is a leap of faith. Many Christians have tried to overcome their addiction to pornography on their own, side-stepping that crucial first step, but it never works. They may overcome temptation for a time, but something will happen, their addiction will get triggered, they won't want to fight temptation, and they slip back into a problem between them and an invisible man in the room that doesn't do anything about their problem. So, what's the crucial, first, leap-of-faith step?
No longer anonymous
Come clean. Take a leap of faith in Christ's bride, the church, and come clean. If you are a teen, tell your parents. If you are a husband, tell your wife. If you are a pastor, tell your congregation. Don't confide in your best friend who is sworn to secrecy. Don't keep it under wraps any more. It is time you release yourself from this unnecessary burden: not that you have a problem but that you have a secret. The hardest part of coming clean is not telling people that you have a sinful problem with pornography but telling them how long you have kept the problem a secret.
As a Christian, I know that there are people in my church that have a problem with pornography. I don't know who they are exactly, but I know that there are people that I worship with that have a sinful problem of looking at pornography online. I'm not on a mission to hunt them down, excommunicate them, and hand them all over to Satan. We don't need a witch hunt or McCarthyism in order to purge the evil ones from us. I don't want to see every person struggling with pornography in the church cast out, but I want to see them freed from this sin and restored, once more, to the body of Christ.
I am on a mission to say, Please, come clean! You don't have to suffer with this sin in secret. You don't have to be afraid of the people that surround you at church. You don't have to feel like you do not belong amidst God's people. Our reaction is not going to be the shock, awe, and dismay that you might think it will be. We're not going to treat you like an outcast with a sick, sick problem that will defile us all. I want to know that you are struggling so that I can help you find the reconciliation you need. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
Of course, this is my mission. This may not be the sentiments of everyone in the church. There are certainly going to be those that will be completely disgusted with your sin. They will be shocked and awed by your confession. They will refuse to forgive your lies and deceit. They will flee from you as a corrupt sinner, and they will not want to get their whitewashed tomb dirty by being in your presence. These people do not know grace and mercy. These people cannot forgive much because they don't require that much forgiveness, themselves. They are confused, and do not know why Christ died on the cross. Christ came to save sinners, not to be moral support to do-gooders. These people need to be reminded that perfection nullifies salvation and imperfection requires it abundantly.
Coming clean is, by far, the hardest part of overcoming an addiction to pornography. You have hidden behind the curtain so long, that you have fed and fostered an alter ego that you have become comfortable with. You are living a double life, and it is excruciatingly difficult to reveal the secret side of your life to everyone. You will be uncontrollably ashamed of yourself the instant you come clean. The shame doesn't stem from feeling exposed and vulnerable to those you deceived, but it stems from having deceived yourself for so long into believing that the church, the people who know the forgiveness you plead for, wanted to judge you when, in fact, they just want to love you, forgive you, and see you restored in your faith in Christ.
It feels a lot like tearing your eye out at the time, but the pain is short lived and the benefits are immense. I cannot express the weight lifted off of my shoulders when I came clean to those around me about my sinful addiction to pornography. I didn't have to keep any more secrets. I did not have to tell any more lies. I no longer had to live two lives, keeping one a deep, dark secret. I asked for forgiveness, and not a single person refused to give it to me. I asked for prayer, and not a single brother or sister said that I did not deserve it. I asked for love, and everyone said that it was already freely given to me. It felt as if Christ Himself gave me a giant hug, kissed me on the forehead, and said, Welcome back, brother! Oh, how I've missed you.
I used to be terrified of rollercoasters. I had a bad experience when I was younger. I was talked into riding a rollercoaster in the Mall of America by my brother. He had a blast. I just about wet my pants. To this day, I remember the rollercoaster going through a loop and I was hanging onto the bar upside down. It is absurd, but that's how I remember it. Ten years of visits to amusement parks come and go, and I'm still broken emotionally. I cannot stand the thought of riding a rollercoaster, and I spend most of the day waiting for everyone else while they stand in line and ride every rollercoaster possible. I turned eighteen, and while waiting for my friends, I watched ten year olds and eight year olds run into line to ride the terrifying rides. They were ecstatic. It was the eight year old girls that got under my skin the most. Not an ounce of fear in them. Did they know what they were about to get themselves into?
My brother and some friends were planning on going to our local amusement park and he asked me if I wanted to come along. At first, the idea of sitting around while everyone else had fun didn't sound very amusing. Then it hit me, I had an irrational fear of rollercoasters. From my past experience, all I could contribute to rollercoasters was a near-death experience that was all in my head. I went with my brother and some friends, and they immediately raced to get in line for a rollercoaster called, "The Mind Eraser." That's what I needed. I needed to erase a bad memory and replace it with a new one. In all the years that I spent watching people ride the rollercoasters, not once did I see anyone have a near-death experience. They all came off the ride in-tact.
I stood in line with everyone, and played it off cool and chill. I was a mess inside. My heart was palpitating, I was sweating up a storm, and I just kept telling myself You can do this. You can do this. The line inevitably moved along, and I was getting closer and closer to one of my biggest fears. I wanted to turn back so bad. I had taken the walk of shame many times before. But this time, I was going to stick it out. It was all irrational. My brain was telling me lies. There was nothing "near-death" about this ride. It is all a simulation of fear and nothing more. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the rollercoaster. It was too late to turn back now. My legs were dangling in the air, the car started to click click click up the steep slope, and what goes up must come down. Relax, have fun, and you have nothing to fear.
That was, oddly enough, one of the most exciting days of my life. I rode every rollercoaster in the park. I couldn't get enough. All these years I had been crippled by an irrational fear. At the time, standing in line for a rollercoaster was the hardest thing I ever had to overcome emotionally. It took every fiber of my faith to believe that despite my past experience, rollercoasters are fun and safe rather than giant death-traps. I kept thinking that I was waiting in line for my impending doom, but I had to keep telling myself that my fear of rollercoasters was irrational and that I had nothing to fear.
Telling people you love and admire that you are struggling with pornography and that you have kept it a secret for a long time is very similar to standing in line for a rollercoaster when you view it as a giant death-trap. You have an irrational fear of telling your spouse, your family, your friends, and your pastor because you fear the worst reaction. You fear your spouse will divorce you. You think that your family will disown you. You think that your Christian friends will alienate you. You fear your pastor will excommunicate you. Irrational. Every bit of it. Commit yourself to telling them. Give yourself no room to stand in line but then take the walk of shame right before you get on the rollercoaster. Sit in the chair, strap yourself in, and go to the point of no return. It is going to be a rough, scary, terrifying experience, but you will walk away from it and you will be glad you committed when it is all said and done.
The only way to overcome pornography's anonymity is to make your face known. Mine is the face of someone who once struggled with pornography, and mine is the face of someone who is sick and tired of living two lives: one for myself and one supposedly for God. My face is the face of someone who knows pornography's destruction, who knows the damage it inflicts on the body of Christ, who knows the spiritual and emotional harm that it causes, and who knows by faith that despite the terror that accompanies coming clean, my fear of God's people is completely irrational.
No longer accessible and always accountable
First you have to come clean, and then you have to pluck your other eye out: unplug. Turn the switch off. This is almost as hard as coming clean. This requires a complete change in your lifestyle. This can require a complete change in your environment. As long as pornography is easily accessible, you will continue to struggle with temptation and you will eventually fall.
Unfortunately, in today's day and age, it is virtually impossible to remove every remnant of internet access from your day to day life. You can pack away your computer, you can discontinue internet service, you can cancel your cell-phone's data plan, you can sell your giant flat screen TV, but you can't ask your family and friends to do the same when you come over and you can't expect your manager to make an exception for you at work.
For a time, it might be very wise to dismantle every remnant of internet access in your home. It might be necessary for you to take drastic measures to make pornography less accessible in order to save your marriage. By all means, living in the dark ages is a small price to pay in order to save your marriage and remain faithful to the Lord. There are many ways to make pornography less accessible, but if you try them and they're not working, by all means, dismantle. It is worth it. It will be very difficult to function in today's internet based culture, but you will live through it.
However, so many of us do not have the luxury of dismantling. Our every day tasks require us to be online. We need to communicate via email. Turning off the internet switch is not a viable option for everyone. There are plenty of options left, however, to help make pornography less accessible.
K9 Web Protection
K9 Web Protection is a free software that helps protect you and your family from pornographic websites. It is completely customizable, so that you can block whatever you want to block. It will not only protect your children from pornography but it will block violent, racist, mature, and crude content online. Another helpful feature that is available is that it will automatically force "safe search" settings on the internet's most popular search engines like Google, Bing, and Yahoo. You might wonder how this can be of any help if you know the password to bypass the filter. It won't be any help to you if you know the password, so install it on your computer and have a friend or family member come up with the password and set their email as the primary account holder. That way, they can view your internet browsing history (choose your accountability partner wisely, obviously) and you will not be able to bypass the filter. It is available for PCs, tablets, and phones.
Available for free here.
Covenant Eyes
Covenant Eyes is more of an accountability tool rather than an accessibility tool. Basically, you install the software on your computer, you choose your accountability partner(s), and they receive a report of your internet activity. There are filters available, but Covenant Eyes does not come with filters by default. One interesting function of the software is the Panic Button. If the user hits the panic button, their internet access is completely cut off. The only way to turn their access to the internet back on is to call Covenant Eyes' customer support team.
Covenant Eyes is not free, but it is inexpensive. The first accountability user is $8.99/mo., and all additional accountability users are $2.00. If you just want the filtering software, it is $4.99/mo. If you want both accountability and filtering capabilities, it costs $10.49/mo. A small price to pay to help you on your way to overcoming this addictive problem. You can learn more about the program here.
There are other options besides software, too. Sometimes the most effective ways to make pornography less accessible are the simplest. For instance, move the family computer to a public area of the house. Don't sequester your internet activity to the basement or to the back room. Put the computer in the living room. If you have a laptop or tablet, restrict it's use to common areas and ask someone that you live with (especially a spouse) to lock it up in a desk drawer or cabinet and to hold onto the key. That way, if no one is home to hold you accountable, then you cannot get to your weapon of choice. Similarly, lock up the internet router or the PC's power supply so that you cannot use the family computer without your accountability partner.
With accountability, comes a lot of responsibility. Your accountability partner(s) are only part of the equation. You are the most important part of the equation. Your accountability partner(s) are there to help you, but you have to be willing to help yourself, too. Don't place all of the responsibility on their shoulders and play Red Rover with them. That is to say, don't ask them to hold you accountable and then make a game of trying to break through their interlocked arms as best you can. Don't be waiting for them to make a mistake and then cash in on it, blaming them for dropping the ball. This isn't their battle, and they are willing to make it their battle. Don't punish them and don't expect them to fight the battle for you.
With that said, you need to help yourself. Go through your computer, and delete every tempting song, video, game, and file that you can find. If you find that the filter on your computer has a weak spot, tell your accountability partner so they can fix it, rather than taking advantage of the weakness. Go through your belongings. Throw every tempting possession in the trash. R rated movies with nudity - in the trash. Explicit albums - in the trash. Magazines with sleazy pictures - in the trash. Fifty Shades of Grey - in the trash. Don't expect to overcome temptation when you have little pornographic mines laying around the house. You will find a way to step on them.
Change your lifestyle. If you are most susceptible to pornography when you are home alone, then don't stay home alone. Ask a friend if you can come over. Ask a friend if they can come over. Go find a coffee house and enjoy local artists during an open mic night. Take a hike or go for a run through your local park. Get out of the house.
If you find that you are most susceptible when everyone in the house is asleep and you are struggling to sleep, then find a way to go to sleep. Go to bed with everyone else. Find a book to read in bed, or listen to music. I have found that many people who are struggling with pornography and those who are trying to overcome their sin suffer from insomnia. I am not a scientist, and I could not begin to explain why this is. Personally, I don't believe there is as much science involved as there is just a break in routine. If you used to watch pornography before going to sleep, then obviously you will struggle falling asleep without your fix. You need to find a new, healthy routine and stick to it so that the temptation to look at pornography does not rear its ugly head every night. The most obvious solution is to use this time to read your Bible and to spend time in prayer.
If you find that the people you hang out with or the job industry you are in is not conducive to battling temptation, then it is better to cut ties then to submit yourself to temptation. I used to work in the restaurant industry, and it has to be the most self-destructive job industry I know of (besides the adult industry, of course). The culture at my restaurant was terrible. Everyone hooked-up with each other, they told crude jokes all the time, everyone swore like a sailor, and when the shift was over everybody partied until the next night of work (then they cycle would start all over). I left that job for other reasons, but what a difference it made in my susceptibility to temptation.
When I made a point of battling the temptation to look at pornography, I lost a lot of friends. They weren't bad influences, per say, but they enjoyed things that were stumbling blocks to me. They enjoyed going to raunchy, violent, and explicit movies. They enjoyed going to parties. They enjoyed going to the bar and hanging out. I also felt like they were better friends with the side of me that I tried to keep under wraps around people at church. They liked the side of me that told dirty jokes, gawked at every pretty girl that walked past, and enjoyed talking about sex. That person was gone, and they weren't friends or supporters of the new man that took his place. To this day, I miss those people dearly, and I would love to renew our lost friendship. However, there is very little left of the person they called friend, thankfully.
In conclusion, the Triple A's of pornography at your worst enemy. They are what make pornography so appetizing, so beguiling, so tempting, and so addicting. Anonymity, accessibility, and accountability. Therefore, if you want to start mortifying this sin in your life, you need to make your problem with pornography less anonymous, less accessible, and more accountable. You need to come out, unplug, and help others help you. Through all of these, God's grace is sufficient. You will be astounded by the fervent love poured out to you by those you confide your problem in. You will be astounded by your growing will to overcome temptation and your willingness to bend over backwards to distance yourself from temptation. You will be astounded by your accountability partner's willingness to make your battle their own, and your willingness to love hurtful truths more than destructive lies. You will be astounded by God's great love for you, the sufficiency of His grace, the sufficiency of Christ's forgiveness of your sins, the life-changing work of the Holy Spirit, and the increase of your faith as you embark on this endeavor. You will work hard, but you will not help but notice that God is working much harder for you. Keep reading the Word, keep praying, keep trusting in the Lord, and you will make it through this.
The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
(2 Corinthians 9:6-8)
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