Les Miserables: The Miserable

Before it was a Broadway musical with a successful film adaptation, Les Miserables has been a favorite book of mine. Although the theatrical, film, and television adaptations have become widely popular, not many people have taken the time to sit down and read the massive novel. Like Augustine's Confessions, Hugo's work is poignant and thought-provoking. Hugo inserts his own story and his Christian faith into the novel sporadically with chilling insight to the state of evil, pain, and misery that surrounds most of society unnoticed. With a keen insight into the life of misery, Hugo tells numerous stories of redemption with clear Christlike undertones and characterizations that consistently remain ignored by producers and directors that continue to miss the crux to Hugo's literary masterpiece. Overall, Hugo's work demonstrates that God's grace is sufficient and it has lasting implications for the course of our lives after Christ's substitutionary atonement on our behalf. It is not about a bad man who tries to right the wrongs of his past life. It is the story of a sinner who receives grace instead of judgment and the manner in which his life changes as he is sanctified.

I first became interested in the book after watching the film adaptation starring Liam Neeson, Uma Thurman, and Geoffrey Rush (which is my favorite version to date). When I once frequented bookstores before the advent of Kindle, I was perusing the classic paperbacks for sale. Les Miserables instantly caught my eye. I hastily purchased the book, went home, and started reading. Despite it's enormous size, I soon found myself almost half-way through the book in a few weeks of sporadic reading. It's an unexpectedly easy read, and the story is a page-turner. Another semester of school started, I put the book on the back burner, and I have yet to finish the book to date (although I am planning to start it all over again soon).

Although there are many aspects and themes in the book that are thought provoking, the story of Fantine instantly tugs on the reader's heartstrings:

Fantine, a young working woman in Paris, has been seduced, impregnated, and cynically abandoned by her lover. Oncer her baby, Cosette, is born, she innocently leaves her in the care of the evil Thenardier couple, dishonest innkeepers, and goes to her native village, where Jean Valjean has settled. She finds work there in the glassware factory, but is fired by a self-righteous female foreman who discovers that she has an illegitimate child. The Thenardiers have been starving Cosette, dressing her in rags, and forcing her to do hard labor, while sending Fantine exorbitant, fraudulant medical bills. She must turn to prostitution to support her daughter.
(excerpt from Les Miserables edited and abridged by Laurence M. Porter, Barnes & Noble Classics, New York, 2003)

Although my harshest critique of the most recent film adaptation of the hit musical was that it was too theatrical, perhaps the most theatrical and resilient scene of the film was Anne Hathaway's memorable performance of Fantine's inner turmoil and anguish. As a Christian, I couldn't help but think, What would I possibly do if this young woman walked into my church and asked for help? As a deacon, the reality did not take long to set in. Although I hated the answer, I could not help the fact that I would probably hesitate to help Fantine the way that I ought. I was moved to tears by the fact that my heart has been hardened against millions of women just like Fantine around the world prostituting their bodies. I would rather her kind receive help outside of the church and not from within it. I have since changed my tune, or at least I would like to believe I have. I'll never know until the rubber meets the road, and then, I pray that God would pour out His grace upon me that I might see the woman as He saw Mary Magdalene.

The version of the book that I purchased from Barnes & Noble states that, "Some entire chapters and opening sections of chapters have been cut...[to] allow the reader to follow the action without reading all of Hugo's subplots and side remarks." The following is one of the chapters of Hugo's work that didn't make the cut:

Chapter XI

Christus Nos Liberavit

 

What is this history of Fantine? It is society buying a slave.

 

From whom? From misery.

 

From hunger, from cold, from loneliness, from abandonment, from privation. Melancholy barter. A soul for a bit of bread. Misery makes the offer, society accepts.

 

The holy law of Jesus Christ governs our civilization, but it does not yet permeate it; it is said that slavery has disappeared from European civilization. That is a mistake. It still exists, but it weighs now only upon woman and it is called prostitution.

 

It weighs upon woman--that is to say, upon grace, upon feebleness, upon beauty, upon maternity. This is not one of the least of man's shames.

 

At the stage of this mournful drama at which we have now arrived Fantine has nothing left of what she had formerly been. She has become marble in becoming corrupted. Whoever touches her feels a chill. She goes her way, she endures you and she knows you not; she wears a dishonored and severe face. Life and social order have spoken their last word to her. All that can happen to her has happened. She has endured all, borne all, experienced all, suffered all, lost all, wept for all. She is resigned with that resignation that resembles indifferences as death resembles sleep. She shuns nothing now. She fears nothing now. Every cloud falls upon her and all the ocean sweeps over her. What matters it to her? The sponge is already drenched.

 

She believed so at least, but it is a mistake to imagine that man can exhaust his destiny or can reach the bottom of anything whatever.

 

Alas! What are all these destinies thus driven pell-mell? Whither go they? Why are they so?

 

He who knows that sees all the shadow.

 

He is alone. His name is God.

 

Victor Hugo published Les Miserables in 1862. One hundred and fifty one years have passed and his words remain as true today as they were in 1862. Although Hugo's interactions with the sorrows and woes of prostitutes is often suspect (Hugo was an adulterer who reportedly frequented prostitutes throughout his life), his insight into their plight should not be disregarded.

Prostitutes remain enslaved to misery. They still do not receive compassion or mercy from those whose eyes should be most opened to their desperate and miserable predicament. Christian, what would you do if a streetwalker walked into your church just before Sunday morning worship? Would you speak to her with compassion or condescension? Would you clothe her with the gospel of Jesus Christ, or would you do whatever you had to in order to get her to leave the building? The answer is telling. Not only about the way society views these broken women but about the way Christians have little mercy for women who sell their bodies when all else fails. It is as if they are guilty of an unforgiveable sin.

 

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner." And Jesus answering said to him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he answered, "Say it, Teacher."
(Luke 7:36-40)

Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." And he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."
(Luke 7:44-48)

Look at how she cleans her Lord and Savior's feet. Study it. For in it you will see the state of misery that many prostitutes convicted of their sin find themselves in. It is still an insult in Middle Eastern cultures today to display the bottom of your feet. It is a statement that says that I find you lower than the dirt that I walk on. This woman not only washes Jesus' feet, but she does so with the hair of her head and the tears of her eyes. This woman not only washes Jesus' feet, but she kisses the Son's feet and His wrath is quickly kindled. I am less than the dirt you walk upon is the clear statement of her display. She was miserable. She was destitute of self. She felt lower than dirt. She knew that she was a sinner, and despite the teachings of the Phariees, she rested in Christ by faith for the forgiveness of sins. Her display of faith in Christ is perhaps one of the most beautiful displays of faith recorded in all of Scripture.

How many prostitutes, how many broken women, how many victims of sex trafficking, how many victims of sexual abuse have come crawling to the Church, their last hope, only to be turned away because they are women of ill-repute that might stain the congregation's wholesome image? Surely, a pastor cannot expect a large home-schooled family to worship next to a bruised, beaten, ravaged woman who is known to be a streetwalker. If we did allow her to stay, surely we would escort her to a corner of the building where eyes could not see her.

We excuse ourselves with sundry excuses. She uses colorful language, and we don't want our children to hear it. Yes, she does use colorful language, but nobody has ever spoken to her with dignity, nobody has talked to her like a human-being, and nobody has spoken soft, compassionate language into her ears. She has only ever known the language on the streets. Teach her the words of Christ.

She does not dress appropriately, and we don't want our children or men in the church to stumble when they see her. Yes, she is not dressed appropriately, but nobody has ever tried to clothe her. Her pimp has only ever given her revealing outfits to increase his profits. She has tried to clothe herself as best as she could to come to church. She wears the longest skirt, the highest cut blouse, and the flattest shoes she owns, but she is still too risqué for the church. The deacons don't feel comfortable with her presence. Although her heart desires to be clothed in the righteousness of Christ, she will have to clothe her body better before she can continue to attend church here. Truly examine your heart. What would you do if you found a prostitute sitting on the steps of your church building Sunday morning? Would you invite her in or would you ask her to leave?
 

According to the U.S. State Department's 2008 Trafficking in Persons Report, more than eight hundred thousand hapless human beings are trafficked worldwide every year as slaves, and most are young women earmarked for the international flesh trade. They join an estimated 10 million women and children ensnared in sex markets around the globe...

 

The State Department report also notes that the trafficking of human beings is the third highest money-making operation for organized crime behind the sale of illegal drugs and weapons. The crime of trafficking in humans nets criminal syndicates worldwide more than 12 billion dollars a year...

 

[P]rostitution--all prostitution--is not about choice. If anything, for the overwhelming majority of women ensnared in the trade, it is the ultimate act of desperation. It is survival sex.

 

But when society sees these women, it chooses to view them as social pariahs, the perpetrators of seedy, immoral acts, unworthy of compassion or understanding. These women are accused of taking the easy way out, eschewing hard work and luring otherwise upstanding family men, businessmen, community leaders, and others into debauchery and deceit. I've come to realize that society's attitude toward the world of prostitution is laden with hypocrisy and double standards. While the women are stigmatized with terms laced with opprobrium and distaste...the users of prostituted women are benignly tagged clients, patrons, customers, and johns.

(Excerpts from The Johns, Victor Malarek, Arcade Publishing, New York, 2011)

 

Prostitution and pornography walk down the same road of destruction hand-in-hand. However, A streetwalker who accepts money for performing sexual favors is a criminal in our society. A woman who accepts money for performing sexual actions in front of a camera for entertainment purposes is a porn star. I don't see the difference. Both women are exploited, both women's bodies and sexuality are held captive by pimps, and both women are paraded around for their pimp's profit. Whether the pimp is a man who takes most of her money for turning tricks or a massive corporation that capitalizes from her sexual performances makes no difference to me.

Malarek's observation is convicting. Our society looks down upon prostitutes and porn stars as the scum of humanity. Their crime is selling their bodies. However, what they solicit and sale has a high demand. Whether visual or tangible, there is a much higher demand for prostitution and pornography than there is a supply. In fact, the demand is insatiable. Society cannot get enough of what these exploited women complacently or forcefully provide, and when it is all said and done, society washes their hands of them, and discards them as trash that is not worth our time or compassion. The supply of prostitution and pornography is horrendous, but the demand for it remains victimized and comforted. You poor thing. Did that woman seduce you and cause you to stop thinking purely by taking advantage of your sexual longings?

Proverbs 7 instantly comes to mind as a defense for the men who look at pornography and the johns that approach prostititutes who believe that they are victims.

Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," and call insight your intimate friend, to keep you from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words.
(Proverbs 7:4-5)

As wisdom and insight are personified, so too is adultery personified as a forbidden woman dressed as a prostitute. Prostitutes are no more responsible for adultery than sisters are responsible for wisdom. Although the chapter is addressed to "my son," nevertheless, the lessons outlined herein are just as applicable to daughters. The temptation outlined is not being propositioned by a prostitute but, rather, delighting ourselves in sexual promiscuity and debauchery (v. 18). Not only should our sons flee from the adulteress' lies, our daughters, too, should flee her lies. Our sons need to be protected from the temptation to idolize love, and our daughters need to be protected from becoming the idol of our sons' affection. Both our sons and daughters are prone to the adulteress' snare.

Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths, for many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng.
(Proverbs 7:25-26)

Her victims are our sons and daughters. Her victims are men that seek after sex and women who are exploited by men seeking them to fulfill their sexual desires. Men could not be tempted by immodest women unless women were tempted to become immodest tempters by the desires of men. It's a vicious cycle that feeds upon itself. Both are victims of adultery's lies and deceit. Both are laid low, and both join the mighty throng of the adulteress' slain.

I have read several blog posts and articles about modesty. They are almost always directed towards the immodesty of girls and their responsibility to not become a stumbling block to the boys around them by not wearing enough clothing. This is just another articulation of the same double standard. Society and the church are not addressing the responsibility on both sides of the same coin. The message is that it is a girl's responsibility to dress modestly and when she dresses immodestly she victimizes poor boys that cannot handle her immodesty appropriately. If a woman is responsible to dress modestly, a man is responsible to dress her modestly. That is to say, if a woman is to dress in an appropriate manner then men should also desire a woman that dresses modestly.

Men, it is time for us to be men. Brothers, it is time for us to be brothers. The woman is the weaker vessel, not the man (1 Pet. 3:7). Why does the responsibility to guard our hearts rest on our sisters and women? Our sisters are immodest because we reward their immodesty with our sinful affection. Yes, they have a responsibility and their responsibility is repeatedly emphasized by the church. However, nobody ever tells you that you too have a responsibility towards them. They must dress their bodies modestly lest you fall, but you must dress them modestly with your heart lest you cause them to stumble. As long as men take advantage of immodest women, women will continue to parade their bodies for man's pleasure and affection. To place the whole blame on women is a perpetuation of the lie, and as long as we keep focusing on half of the problem the problem will continue to grow.

Brothers and sisters, we need to change the way we are approaching the problem of pornography and prostitution. Our sons are falling prey to the adulteress, and our daughters are falling prey too. If we are going to victimize men for falling prey to pornography, then where is our sympathy for the women that they exploit in doing so? If we are going to criminalize prostitutes for selling their bodies for money, then why don't we criminalize johns that think that a woman's sexuality is something that can be bought?

If nothing else, I want you to think about the world of prostitution and pornography differently. We make men out to be the victims, but I'm here to tell you differently. Men are not the victims of pornography. They are the instigators and perpetrators. Men demand, and therefore women supply. We have to address the problem from the head down. We have to! Otherwise, we will never stop this vicious cycle. If you cut off supply a demand remains. If you cut off the demand, then supply becomes useless and falls by the wayside. Do you want to shut down the pornography and prostitution industry? It starts by training our sons to be men, the stronger vessels, responsible for viewing women as image bearers of God and not sexual play toys. It starts by training our sons to be men, teaching them to be responsible for guarding their hearts, praising modesty and rejecting immodesty. It starts by training our sons to be men that will dress a woman in modesty in his heart no matter how immodest she dresses her body. It starts by training our sons to be men that will share the gospel with a sinful woman rather than exploit her and take advantage of her sinfulness. It starts by training our sons to be men that will cover their sister's nakedness rather than rejoice in it. It starts by training our sons to be men!

If you are struggling with pornography or know somebody that is and you found this blog helpful, uplifting, and encouraging, then please visit my Facebook page for further resources and discussion. If you would like to contact  me, feel free to message me through my Facebook page as well. I am literally a click away. I would love to know who you are and keep you in my prayers. Thanks.
 

 

No Pit Too Deep

I felt like the most pitiful scum. I couldn't look at a woman without being consumed with sexual thoughts and desires. I avoided looking at people but that changed nothing. My sin even haunted my dreams. I was so full of shame, so full of sin that I left myself to rot in my room. I didn't deserve the light of day. As wretched as I felt, I continued in my sin. I wanted to pray but how could I ask a Holy God for forgiveness after what I had done? Why would he listen to me? It would be of no avail I thought, so I went to bed a dejected sinner and I awoke a dejected sinner.

When I thought my sin could get no worse, it did. I began to lust after darker aspects. I was as close to hell as I ever want to get. I truly felt that if I could forfeit my salvation, that I had. But by the mercy and grace of God, Christ will never forfeit his love for his sheep. (He) is a most faithful shepherd who will not abandon his sheep to the wolf, the jagged edges of rocks, or the sting of death. Although I had left the (flock), Christ pursued me even to the depths I had ventured.

The turning point in my life was when Christ made his love perfectly clear to me. Through support from family and friends, I began to turn to the one person I had ignored all this time to seek salvation from the filth of pornography. I began to pray. God began to heal. I began to read the Word. God began to convict. I confessed my sins. God forgave.
(My Confession, February 26, 2008, 4:07 PM)

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.
(John 10:27-29)

What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.
(Matthew 18:12-14)

What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, "Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost." Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.
(Luke 15:4-7)

You find yourself at the bottom of a bottomless pit. You look up, and all you can see is a faint speckle of light. You are surrounded by blackness so thick you can almost taste it tainting your every breath. It seems to be infecting your lungs, your heart, and your brain. There are no fumes. No chemicals. Just a vile, putrid, polluted blackness. You're breathing it in, but you're not breathing it out. It is perculating in the chasms of your heart and your mind. The more you breath it in, the darker and thicker the blackness surrounding you becomes.

You look back up, and the faint speckle of light, the only remnant of hope, is barely a speck of dust anymore. How could I have ventured down this far? You wonder how your curiosity gave birth to an insatiable climb further and further down into the pit. It looked dark, it looked unexplored, it looked like fun. You climbed ten feet down, and then you needed to climb another twenty. Before you knew it, you were too far down. You couldn't climb out. Rather than crying out for help, you ventured further and further down. Now look at you. You seem to have hit rock bottom. Then again, you thought you had hit rock bottom months ago. You cannot imagine going any further down into the pit of pits before the speck of light completely fades away.

You once held onto hope that someone would come searching for you. You looked up constantly, but there was no hopeful silhouette in the light. Reality set in a while ago. You might see someone looking down into the pit, but they can't see you. You tried to scream once, but nobody heard you. You were chocked by the blackness. You were suffocated by the darkness. Your cry for help was to no avail. Nobody heard you. Not even you could hear the sounds you mustered.

There's no hope of climbing out on your own, so you keep climbing deeper and deeper into the pit. You have been in the darkness for so long that you fear that you have become one with the darkness that surrounds you. You put your hand before your eyes, but you can't see anything. You begin to feel like the darkness around you is alive, that it has lured you into its trap, and it is slowly consuming you, body and soul.

You look back up at the speck of light and feel a quick rush of hope. There's still hope. You keep telling yourself that there is still hope. It doesn't take long for your hopefulness to become hopelessness. Who am I kidding?

You're not kidding yourself anymore. You stop looking at the speck of light. You stop reminding yourself of where you came from. You stop focusing on the light and you find yourself completely consumed with the darkness. It's cold, it's damp, and it permeates every part of you. Your hunger is replaced with an unsatisfying contentment with feasting on blackness. Your thirst is replaced with the quench of depravity.

This is death, but it's not. You're miserable. You're all alone. You brought yourself to this lowest of lows. You said it would only be ten feet, but before you knew it, you found yourself too far consumed by the pit to pull yourself back out again. You wanted to stop going deeper, but when you stopped climbing down you only seemed to slip and fall. You're so deep in the pit, you've been falling for so long, that you don't know if you're still falling or if your just standing on the bottom. You feel suspended in darkness. You feel one with your surroundings. You have become the pit. You're lost, and no body is looking for you. Hope only causes hopelessness. There is light, but it is so small. There is hope but it is so far out of reach that everything seems hopeless.

Then you hear a whisper. It's not faint. It's very clear. It's strong. It's powerful. It's a whisper, but it is not quiet. It's soothing. It's invigorating. It's your name.

You look around, but you still can't see anything. You desperately search for the origin of the whisper, but the darkness is still too thick. A warmth flows through your body. The whisper seems to have spoken the breath of life into you. You feel your body withdrawing from the darkness. The cold, damp air looses its sting. Its touch is unattached. You no longer feel suspended in darkness. You feel embraced. You feel like you are being carried. You test the darkness by placing your hand before your eyes. Not only do you see your hand, but there is something written on it: The Lord's.

You look up and find the speck of light has grown significantly larger. You feel as if you are being lifted up on eagles' wings. Somebody is saving you from the pit.

You look back down, and the darkness seems to have come alive and is chasing after its prey. It latches on to your ankle, but as tightly as it clings to you, the one carrying you has a firm grip on you. Although you feel darkness clinging to you, you feel secure in the grasp of him carrying you. You rest secure, knowing that you are finally being held by someone who will never let you go. You're safe. You're saved.

The darkness has given up. It cannot snatch you up from your savior's grip. You watch as the darkness turns into an all-consuming throat that desires to swallow you both up in one last desperate act. As you draw closer and closer to the light, the darkness begins to dissipate. The once brazen darkness begins to shudder violently as it begins to recognize that it is being swallowed up by the light. It's trap has turn into a trap that will now consume it. You watch as the darkness becomes a speck of dust before death is swallowed up forever.

Radiant, glorious light surrounds you. You are let down from your Savior's shoulders. You finally see His face, and it shines brighter than any light you have ever seen. You look at His face and instantly fear being consumed by His glory, but He smiles at you. You hear His voice again. His precious voice whispers your name again.

"You were lost, but you are now found."

An innumerable host of creatures that perfectly reflect your Savior's glory raise their beautiful voices together praising Him who saved you.

"But Lord, how did you find me? How did you know where to look? I thought I was surely lost. I that I had gone too deep into the pit for anyone to find me."

"I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (you) from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

"I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O LORD my God."

"Grace was given to each one of (you) according to the measure of Christ's gift. Therefore it says, 'When he ascended on high he led a host of captives, and he gave gifts to men.' (In saying, 'He ascended,' what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.)"

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned--every one--to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people? And they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death, although he had done no violence, and there was no deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand. Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities. Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong, because he poured out his soul to death and was numbered with the transgressors; yet he bore the sin of many, and makes intercession for the transgressors.
(Isaiah 53:6-12)

There is no pit too deep to keep Christ from rescuing you from it. He has descended into the deepest depths of the bottomless pit so that we may be carried out upon His shoulders as a group of captives being led to freedom. There is no sin too heinous, too dispicable, too vile, too dark, too horrifying that Christ's precious blood is not sufficient for its forgiveness. Christ makes intercession for transgressors. Christ died for the ungodly. Christ died for sinners. He leaves the 99 sheep who never strayed to search for the one sheep that has left the flock. He descended to the grave so that He could bear you out of the pit on eagles' wings. No pit too deep. Never forget.

Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
(Psalms 43:3-5)

If you are struggling with pornography or know somebody that is and you found this blog helpful, uplifting, and encouraging, then please visit my Facebook page for further resources and discussion. If you would like to contact  me, feel free to message me through my Facebook page as well. I am literally a click away. I would love to know who you are and keep you in my prayers. Thanks.

Bouncing Back

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
(Philippians 3:8-12)

I'm not going to lie. I've been down lately. This past month has been an emotional barrage of events that has left me scrambling to find some solid footing on unshakable ground. I feel like I can relate to Psalm 42:7 and 69:1-2 more than I would like to. I read Jonah 2, and I know that there is a sure hope to cling to, but it all seems so disconnected.

More often than not, writing this blog is a very difficult task for me. I'm not a very outgoing person, as some of you know. I'm not the kind of guy that will just walk up to you and tell you my life's story. If you ask my wife, she'll tell you that I'm not the best at telling people what's on my mind or how I'm feeling. I prefer to keep it to myself most of the time. It's my burden to bear. That's my mentality about a lot of things.

When I feel really weighed down with anxious cares, I find that one of the best remedies is for me to open my eyes and look around. Everybody is weighed down with anxious cares, and my predicament is no different.

Christmas season is the worst season ever. Spoken like someone who has worked retail for over five years. Something about the last part of the year brings out the absolute worst in people. People are trying to put in overtime and fewer hours of sleep to bring in some extra money so they can spend it on buying people gifts they don't need. Everybody stresses out about money, pleasing each other, bragging about their money vicariously by buying the most expensive gifts, and getting mad at anybody that gets in their way. I hated working at a retail store during the holidays. It was stressful, and it was always added stress to what I already had going on. Nothing irritated me more than when one of my co-workers would call in on the busiest day of the year and tell us that they weren't going to make it in because they were tired. We're all tired! We're all stressed! Get over it like the rest of us and stop whining about it.

That's how I feel when things start getting tough. I don't want to complain about my itsy bitsy problems to someone who has major problems. I take a second to regroup, look around with a compassionate eye, and see those hurting more than me. You know what, more often than not, the people suffering with real stress from real problems are typically the ones that are the most optimistic and uplifting to be around. I always feel bad about myself and my faith after listening to them speak about their trials and tribulations and the way God has graciously buttressed them to rest by faith in Him in the midst of it all. They don't whine, they don't complain, but they remain steadfast, looking to Christ as the greatest good in their lives; a solid rock that can never be shaken.

You feel silly breaking down over the small stuff and being uplifted by someone who has all the room in the world to come up to you and say, You're getting all worked up about that? That's nothing. If anybody should be broke down it should be me, but you don't see me crying. But they don't. They don't start singing Craig Morgan's "This Ain't Nothin.'" They come up beside you, put their arm around you, look you in the eyes, and say, with all sincerity, "I'm praying for you. We'll make it through this."

We'll make it through this. Life's stressful, full of toil and woe. Anxiety, heartbreak, and suffering are the names of the game. They are temporal curses in a sea of eternal blessings, we should count it all joy when we suffer, we should remember the great treasure we have awaiting us in Heaven, we should remember Christ's command to seek first the Kingdom of God when we are anxious, but it is all easier said than done.

It hasn't been easy taking the nightmare of my life and broadcasting it for anybody with enough patience and curiosity to read. Some things we would rather people did not know about us. Needless to say, more secrets of mine are out in the open than I could have imagined five years ago. There is nothing that I am proud of in my past, and it feels like I've unloaded my shame in front of everyone with a scrutinizing eye to see. My brothers and sisters in Christ know more about me than they probably wanted to know. How they react to the revelation, I still worry about. Obviously, what I have written has to make people see me differently, and I don't know how they will react or are reacting to it all.

It's been tough, but it has been uplifting at times too. Some readers have expressed encouragement that has been the wind behind my sails. To know that it is not all for naught is relieving. To know that this blog is helpful and that it is encouraging those struggling with pornography or depression to look to Christ as their Savior is all that I could have ever hoped for. I've always had the intended goal of sharing my story for Christ's sake, and not my own. I have very little to gain by exposing my past and present life of sin to the world, but I count it all gain that others know Christ and Him crucified by my confession.

A lot has changed in my life, but a lot has not changed. By the grace of God, pornography is no longer the stumbling block that it once was, but to say that it is never a temptation anymore is a lie. If you keep reading my blog, hoping for a sure-fire formula for overcoming the temptation to pornography once and for all, then you're going to be disappointed. The formula exists, but your ability to use it is iffy. There is a way out of every temptation, and looking to Christ crucified and risen by faith, seeking the grace of God by prayer, and seeking the comfort of the Spirit in the Word is the only way to overcome temptation. But it is not the methodology that is faulty. It is the execution on your part to put the formula to work that is faulty.

I'm not going to give you a date in my life where I stopped struggling with pornography once and for all. It's a constant temptation. Yes, by the grace of God the Father and the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit conforming me to the image of Christ Jesus I have made leaps and bounds in my struggle with the temptation to sin. That's not to say it ever ceases to be a temptation for me. As a Christian, Satan knows my pressure points, and he knows exactly where to push and when to push. He doesn't push when I am wearing the full armor of God. He slithers in when my guard is down, parts of the armor are missing, and he squeezes hard.

It's been a rough month for me, and God has been gracious. I lost a good friend and a close brother unexpectedly at the beginning of the month. I have been looking for work, and just as soon as I seem to have the answer to my prayers, the door shuts and I have to move on. Our home flooded a little bit a couple of weeks ago, and I think the carpet is finally bone dry. Other things have piled on, adding further weight to the burden on my shoulders. I have felt like a recovering alcoholic sitting in a bar during happy hour for the last month. Satan's just been squeezing and squeezing every pressure point he can get his hands on, and I'm scrambling to get the full armor of God on before I cry uncle.

When I feel most vulnerable, I write. I open up my blog, and I just start typing. I remind myself of where I came from (Egypt) and where I am headed to (the Promised Land). I'm not looking back. I don't want to wander around in the wilderness for forty years. I want to press forward to where every promise is yes and amen in Christ Jesus. I want to take as many people with me as I can. I am humbled by the number following me out of Egypt, and looking to Christ as the only answer to their enslavement to sin.

I find something to do. I turn off the computer, I keep the television off, and I sit on the couch and read. Yeah, it's not helping me find a job any faster, but it  shuts up the enemy and opens my ears to truth.

Prayer. I have not prayed enough lately. Without a doubt, the weakest part of my walk with the Lord is in my prayer life. In fact, that's what I wanted to talk about next in my narrative. I wanted to relay to you how the book "Talking With God" by Wayne Spear was by far the most encouraging book I read after my conversion because I had taken the opportunity to talk to my God, Creator, and Redeemer for granted. But how could I encourage others to look to the power of prayer and its efficacy in Christ when I haven't been doing so myself? I need to pray more, there's no doubt about that.

Yeah, it's been a rough month, but by the sheer grace of God, I'm bouncing back. Satan's been telling me what I want to believe, and God has been telling me what I need to believe. You know truth when you see it, and it is never to your advantage to suppress it. Some of you might have been remembering me in your prayers, and I thank you for doing so. Please continue to pray for me as I endeavor to continue this task.

I thank you for reading and I thank you for caring enough to read. If anything, I want you to remember that there is more to this blog than just words on a computer screen. There's a person, just like you, behind every word. There is nothing special about me. I don't claim to have it all figured out, but what I do know, I hope to share with you. With that said, if you ever need somebody to talk to about anything that I discuss in my blogs, I am literally a click of the mouse away. This isn't like a book where the author is distant. I am right here for you if you need help. I'm on the other side of your screen no matter where in the world you are. I'm here for you, and I thank you all for being here for me. I'm praying for you. We'll make it through this.

 

If you are struggling with pornography or know somebody that is and you found this blog helpful, uplifting, and encouraging, then please visit my Facebook page for further resources and discussion. If you would like to contact me, feel free to message me through my Facebook page as well. I am literally a click away. I would love to know who you are and keep you in my prayers. Thanks.

Augustine's Confessions: The Story of us All

The following are excerpts from Augustine's Confessions that I have found helpful and strangely similar to many of my own conversion sentiments regarding continence. I cannot urge you enough to pick up and read Augustine's Confessions, especially if you are a Christian struggling with sexual sins. It is clearly not the easiest book to read, but there are several translations that make it easier to read (see the note at the end of the post). If you have never read Augustine, then I strongly encourage you to read through this posting and see if you cannot relate to at least one thing that he addresses about sexual sins, temptation, and clinging to the Lord's grace to overcome both.

I will start the quotations from the sixth book of Augustine's Confessions (references to the book, chapter, and paragraph follow each citation). Prior to some citations, I will cite analysis from CliffNotes to help explain the background and set the stage.

CN: Now 30, Augustine is dismayed by his own indecision. He is still ambitious for worldly success, and he cannot imagine giving up sex for a life of religious celibacy. Monica arranges for him to marry a Christian girl from a good family, but she is too young (ten years old), so the marriage is postponed two years. Augustine and his friends talk about withdrawing from the world to take up a life of philosophical contemplation, but the plan falls apart when they realize their wives will not approve. Augustine sends away his concubine in preparation for the marriage, and her loss causes him great pain. But he cannot bear the thought of two years without sex, so he finds another woman. His only solace is the conversation of his friends, and friendship forms the one pure bond in his life.

Augustine: I was slow to turn to the Lord, and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not daily to die in myself. Being enamored of a happy life, I yet feared it in its own abode, and, fleeing from it, sought after it. I conceived that I should be too unhappy were I deprived of the embracements of a woman; and of Thy merciful medicine to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As regards continency, I imagined it to be under the control of our own strength (though in myself I found it not), being so foolish as not to know what is written, that none can be continent unless Thou give it; and that Thou wouldst give it, if with heartfelt groaning I should knock at Thine ears, and should with firm faith cast my care upon Thee. (6, 11, 20)

***

CN: Marrying into money appears to be exactly what Monica arranges for him. As Augustine presents it, Monica's motivations are relatively pure: She wants to see him legitimately married into a good Catholic family, hoping that he will then be baptized. However, the fact that Monica has followed Augustine to Milan — most likely with at least one of his brothers (Navigius, who appears later in the narrative) and possibly two cousins — seems to indicate exactly how much the entire family has pinned its hopes on Augustine's success and social status. The marriage Monica contracts for Augustine is purely a social arrangement, not a love match. The girl herself is two years below the legal age for marriage, which makes her 10 years old, while Augustine is 30, but the wide difference in age was common in contracted marriages. Dreams again play a role: Monica has dreams and visions about the marriage, but she knows that this time they are false, generated by her own desires rather than by genuine communication from God. Nonetheless, she continues with the plan.

Augustine: For when he (Alypius) wondered that I, for whom he had no slight esteem, stuck so fast in the bird-lime of that pleasure as to affirm whenever we discussed the matter that it would be impossible for me to lead a single life, and urged in my defense when I saw him wonder that there was a vast difference between the life that he had tried by stealth and snatches (of which he had now but a faint recollection, and might therefore, without regret, easily despise), and my sustained acquaintance with it, whereto if but the honorable name of marriage were added, he would not then be astonished at my inability to contemn that course, — then began he also to wish to be married, not as if overpowered by the lust of such pleasure, but from curiosity. For, as he said, he was anxious to know what that could be without which my life, which was so pleasing to him, seemed to me not life but a penalty. For his mind, free from that chain, was astounded at my slavery, and through that astonishment was going on to a desire of trying it, and from it to the trial itself, and thence, perchance, to fall into that bondage whereat he was so astonished, seeing he was ready to enter into “a covenant with death;” and he that loves danger shall fall into it. For whatever the conjugal honor be in the office of well-ordering a married life, and sustaining children, influenced us but slightly. But that which did for the most part afflict me, already made a slave to it, was the habit of satisfying an insatiable lust; him about to be enslaved did an admiring wonder draw on. In this state were we, until Thou, O most High, not forsaking our lowliness, commiserating our misery, didst come to our rescue by wonderful and secret ways. (6, 12, 22)

***

CN:  Augustine's concubine has to be disposed of. She is sent back home to Africa, although their son, Adeodatus, stays with Augustine. Many writers have pointed out that despite the pathos of the scene, it is a reflection of the social realities of the time. No one in Augustine's social circles would have considered his concubine marriageable. Concubinage was a legal gray area, one made necessary by the rigid class system of late Roman society, in which marriage was an alliance between families and estates, not an affair based on personal preferences. It was inevitable that at some point, Augustine, the successful rhetor, would be expected to contract a legally sanctioned marriage with a bride from a respectable family. These facts are important to understanding Augustine's world. However, they do not adequately account for the way that Augustine reports on the event. Augustine describes it without sugarcoating the facts or attempting to excuse his behavior. He makes quite clear that he is abandoning his partner in a faithful relationship of 15 years, the mother of his son, strictly because she has become an obstacle to his success. Throughout the passage, Augustine is careful to put all the blame on his side. His mistress, in fact, comes away with the moral high ground, because she vows to live a life of religious celibacy, something Augustine acknowledges he could not do. Augustine's behavior grows worse: Although he grieves for the loss of his concubine, he cannot imagine going without sex for two years, so he takes another lover for the interim. The event is reported as yet another of Augustine's blame-worthy actions, the product of his ambition, his concupiscence, and his willing involvement in the hollow values of his society.

Augustine: Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my mistress being torn from my side as an impediment to my marriage, my heart, which clave to her, was racked, and wounded, and bleeding. And she went back to Africa, making a vow unto Thee never to know another man, leaving with me my natural son by her. But I, unhappy one, who could not imitate a woman, impatient of delay, since it was not until two years’ time I was to obtain her I sought, — being not so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust, — procured another (not a wife, though), that so by the bondage of a lasting habit the disease of my soul might be nursed up, and kept up in its vigor, or even increased, into the kingdom of marriage. Nor was that wound of mine as yet cured which had been caused by the separation from my former mistress, but after inflammation and most acute anguish it mortified, and the pain became numbed, but more desperate. (6, 15, 25) 

*** 

Unto Thee be praise, unto Thee be glory, O Fountain of mercies! I became more wretched, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was ever ready to pluck me out of the mire, and to cleanse me, but I was ignorant of it. Nor did anything recall me from a yet deeper abyss of carnal pleasures, but the fear of death and of Thy future judgment, which, amid all my fluctuations of opinion, never left my breast. (6, 16, 26) 

***

 

CN: The immediate contrast to the repudiation of his concubine is Augustine's devotion to his friends, the one pure and blameless aspect of his life. He acknowledges that he could not recognize it at the time, but he could never have been happy without the companionship of his friends, who were still accompanying him on his painful search for truth. This pure friendship is the opposite of the selfish physical lust that mars Augustine's relationships with his concubine and his temporary lover.

Augustine: And I demanded, “Supposing us to be immortal, and to be living in the enjoyment of perpetual bodily pleasure, and that without any fear of losing it, why, then, should we not be happy, or why should we search for anything else?” — not knowing that even this very thing was a part of my great misery, that, being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that light of honor and beauty to be embraced for its own sake, which cannot be seen by the eye of the flesh, it being visible only to the inner man. Nor did I, unhappy one, consider out of what vein it emanated, that even these things, loathsome as they were, I with pleasure discussed with my friends. Nor could I, even in accordance with my then notions of happiness, make myself happy without friends, amid no matter how great abundance of carnal pleasures. And these friends assuredly I loved for their own sakes, and I knew myself to be loved of them again for my own sake.

O crooked ways! Woe to the audacious soul which hoped that, if it forsook Thee, it would find some better thing! It hath turned and returned, on hack, sides, and belly, and all was hard, and Thou alone rest. And behold, Thou art near, and deliverest us from our wretched wanderings, and establishest us in Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say, “Run; I will carry you, yea, I will lead you, and there also will I carry you.” (6 , 16, 26)

***

CN: Augustine is moved by the story of Victorinus, but his old life has become a habit he cannot break. He is deeply distressed, therefore, that he cannot leave his old life now that he no longer has any doubts about Christianity. Augustine and Alypius are visited by Ponticianus, who tells them about St. Antony. Ponticianus then tells them about two of his friends who were inspired to dedicate their lives to Christ after reading the story of St. Antony. Augustine is overcome with shame at his inability to follow their example. Extremely agitated, Augustine retreats to the garden of their house. His will is divided, but Augustine observes that both contrary wills were his own, not a good will and a bad will, as the Manichees believe. Augustine breaks down in tears beneath a fig tree. He hears a voice saying, "Take and read." Interpreting this as a message from God, he picks up his copy of the letters of St. Paul and reads a passage that puts his mind at rest. He resolves to dedicate his entire life to God, and Alypius joins him in this resolve. 

Augustine: My will was the enemy master of, and thence had made a chain for me and bound me. Because of a perverse will was lust made; and lust indulged in became custom; and custom not resisted became necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I term it a “chain “), did a hard bondage hold me enthralled?

But that new will which had begun to develop in me, freely to worship Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only sure enjoyment, was not able as yet to overcome my former willfulness, made strong by long indulgence. Thus did my two wills, one old and the other new, one carnal, the other spiritual, contend within me; and by their discord they unstrung my soul. (8, 5, 10)

***

Thus came I to understand, from my own experience, what I had read, how that “the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh.” I verily lusted both ways; yet more in that which I approved in myself, than in that which I disapproved in myself. For in this last it was now rather not “I,” because in much I rather suffered against my will than did it willingly. And yet it was through me that custom became more combative against me, because I had come willingly whither I willed not. And who, then, can with any justice speak against it, when just punishment follows the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my wonted excuse, that as yet I hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, because my perception of the truth was uncertain; for now it was certain. But I, still bound to the earth, refused to be Thy soldier; and was as much afraid of being freed from all embarrassments, as we ought to fear to be embarrassed. (8, 5, 11)

***

Nor had I ought to answer Thee calling to me, “Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.” And to Thee showing me on every side, that what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to reply, but the drawling and drowsy words: “Presently, lo, presently;” “Leave me a little while.” But “presently, presently,” had no present; and my “leave me a little while” went on for a long while.

In vain did I “delight in Thy law after the inner man,” when “another law in my members warred against the law of my mind, and brought me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.” For the law of sin is the violence of custom, whereby the mind is drawn and held, even against its will; deserving to be so held in that it so willingly falls into it. “ wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death” but Thy grace only, through Jesus Christ our Lord? (8, 5, 12)

***

But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I heard tell of, that they had given up themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, the more did I abhor myself when compared with them. For man, of my years (perhaps twelve) had passed away since my nineteenth, when, on the reading of Cicero’s Hartensius, I was roused to a desire for wisdom; and still I was delaying to reject mere worldly happiness, and to devote myself to search out that whereof not the finding alone, but the bare search, ought to have been preferred before the treasures and kingdoms of this world, though already found, and before the pleasures of the body, though encompassing me at my will. But I, miserable young man, supremely miserable even in the very outset of my youth, had entreated chastity of Thee, and said, “Grant me chastity and continency, but not yet.” For I was afraid lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon deliver me from the disease of concupiscence, which I desired to have satisfied rather than extinguished. And I had wandered through perverse ways in a sacrilegious superstition; not indeed assured thereof, but preferring that to the others, which I did not seek religiously, but opposed maliciously. (8, 7, 17)

***

And I had thought that I delayed from day to day to reject worldly hopes and follow Thee only, because there did not appear anything certain whereunto to direct my course. And now had the day arrived in which I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to chide me. “Where art thou, O my tongue? Thou saidst, verily, that for an uncertain truth thou wert not willing to cast off the baggage of vanity. Behold, now it is certain, and yet doth that burden still oppress thee; whereas they who neither have so worn themselves out with searching after it, nor yet have spent ten years and more in thinking thereon, have had their shoulders unburdened, and gotten wings to fly away.”

Thus was I inwardly consumed and mightily confounded with an horrible shame, while Pontitianus was relating these things. And he, having finished his story, and the business he came for, went his way.

And unto myself, what said I not within myself? With what scourges of rebuke lashed I not my soul to make it follow me, struggling to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; it refused, and exercised not itself. All its arguments were exhausted and confuted. There remained a silent trembling; and it feared, as it would death, to be restrained from the flow of that custom whereby it was [wasting away even to death. (8, 7, 18)

***

The mind commands the body, and it obeys forthwith; the mind commands itself, and is resisted. The mind commands the hand to be moved, and such readiness is there that the command is scarce to be distinguished from the obedience. Yet the mind is mind, and the hand is body. The mind commands the mind to will, and yet, though it be itself, it obeyeth not. Whence this monstrous thing? and why is it? I repeat, it commands itself to will, and would not give the command unless it willed; yet is not that done which it commandeth. But it willeth not entirely; therefore it commandeth not entirely. For so far forth it commandeth, as it willeth; and so far forth is the thing commanded not done, as it willeth not. For the will commandeth that there be a will; — not another, but itself. But it doth not command entirely, therefore that is not which it commandeth. For were it entire, it would not even command it to be, because it would already be. It is, therefore, no monstrous thing partly to will, partly to be unwilling, but an infirmity of the mind, that it doth not wholly rise, sustained by truth, pressed down by custom. And so there are two wills, because one of them is not entire; and the one is supplied with what the other needs. (8, 9, 21)

*** 

I, when I was deliberating upon serving the Lord my God now, as I had long purposed, — I it was who willed, I who was unwilling. It was I, even I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor was entirely unwilling. Therefore was I at war with myself, and destroyed by myself. And this destruction overtook me against my will, and yet showed not the presence of another mind, but the punishment of mine own. “Now, then, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me,” — the punishment of a more unconfined sin, in that I was a son of Adam. (8, 10 ,22)

***

Thus was I sick and tormented, accusing myself far more severely than was my wont, tossing and turning me in my chain till that was utterly broken, whereby I now was but slightly, but still was held. And Thou, O Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and that same slender remaining tie not being broken off, it should recover strength, and enchain me the faster. For I said mentally, “Lo, let it be done now, let it be done now.” And as, I spoke, I all but came to a resolve. I all but did it, yet I did it not. Yet fell I not back to my old condition, but took up my position hard by, and drew breath. And I tried again, and wanted but very little of reaching it, and somewhat less, and then all but touched and grasped it; and yet came not at it, nor touched, nor grasped it, hesitating to die unto death, and to live unto life; and the worse, whereto I had been habituated, prevailed more with me than the better, which I had not tried. And the very moment in which I was to become another man, the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did it strike into me; but it did not strike me back, nor turn me aside, but kept me in suspense. (8 ,11, 25)

 

***

 

The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my old mistresses, still enthralled me; they shook my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, “Dost thou part with us? And from that moment shall we no more be with thee for ever? And from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for thee for ever?” And what did they suggest to me in the words “this or that?” What is it that they suggested, O my God? Let Thy mercy avert it from the soul of Thy servant. What impurities did they suggest! What shame! And now I far less than half heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering, as it were, behind my back, and furtively plucking me as I was departing, to make me look back upon them. Yet they did delay me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to leap over whither I was called, — an unruly habit saying to me, “Dost thou think thou canst live without them?” (8 ,11, 26)

*** 

CN: Augustine also inserts into this section the appearance of Lady Continence. Some critics have insisted that Augustine is reporting an actual vision of the beautiful lady who beckons to him, but Augustine is simply using the literary device of personification. He amusingly represents his sins as annoying pests that hold him back and whisper doubts into his ears, while serene Continence and her followers encourage him onward to his new life.

Augustine: But now it said this very faintly; for on that side towards which I had set my face, and whither I trembled to go, did the chaste dignity of Continence appear unto me, cheerful, but not dissolutely gay, honestly alluring me to come and doubt nothing, and extending her holy hands, full of a multiplicity of good examples, to receive and embrace me. There were there so many young men and maidens, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and ancient virgins, and Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee, O Lord, her Husband. And she smiled on me with an encouraging mockery, as if to say, “Canst not thou do what these youths and maidens can? Or can one or other do it of themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thine own strength, and so standest not? Cast thyself upon Him; fear not, He will not withdraw that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself upon Him without fear, He will receive thee, and heal thee.” And I blushed beyond measure, for I still heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she again seemed to say, “Shut up thine ears against those unclean members of thine upon the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights, but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God.” This controversy in my heart was naught but self against self.  (8, 11, 27)

 

*** 

But when a profound reflection had, from the secret depths of my soul, drawn together and heaped up all my misery before the sight of my heart, there arose a mighty storm, accompanied by as mighty a shower of tears. Which, that I might pour forth fully, with its natural expressions, I stole away...; for it suggested itself to me that solitude was fitter for the business of weeping. So I retired to such a distance that even (Alypius') presence could not be oppressive to me. Thus was it with me at that time, and he perceived it; for something, I believe, I had spoken, wherein the sound of my voice appeared choked with weeping, and in that state had I risen up. He then remained where we had been sitting, most completely astonished. I flung myself down, how, I know not, under a certain fig-tree, giving free course to my tears, and the streams of mine eyes gushed out, an acceptable sacrifice unto Thee. And, not indeed in these words, yet to this effect, spake I much unto Thee, — “But Thou, O Lord, how long?” “How long, Lord? Wilt Thou be angry for ever? Oh, remember not against us former iniquities;” for I felt that I was enthralled by them. I sent up these sorrowful cries, — “how long, how long? Tomorrow, and tomorrow? Why not now? Why is there not this hour an end to my uncleanness?” (8, 12, 28)

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 CN: Augustine's final conversion at the end of Book 8 is the most famous episode from the Confessions. In a moment of intense emotional crisis, Augustine hears a mysterious child's voice chanting, "Take and read, take and read." When he does so, he encounters Romans 13:13-14, and the passage abruptly lays to rest all his doubts and fears about leaving his old life behind.

Augustine: I was saying these things and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when, lo, I heard the voice as of a boy or girl, I know not which, coming from a neighboring house, chanting, and oft repeating, “Take up and read; take up and read.” Immediately my countenance was changed, and I began most earnestly to consider whether it was usual for children in any kind of game to sing such words; nor could I remember ever to have heard the like. So, restraining the torrent of my tears, I rose up, interpreting it no other way than as a command to me from Heaven to open the book, and to read the first chapter I should light upon. For I had heard of Antony, that, accidentally coming in whilst the gospel was being read, he received the admonition as if what was read were addressed to him, “Go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me.” And by such oracle was he forthwith converted unto Thee. So quickly I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I put down the volume of the apostles, when I rose thence. I grasped, opened, and in silence read that paragraph on which my eyes first fell, — “Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.” No further would I read, nor did I need; for instantly, as the sentence ended, — by a light, as it were, of security infused into my heart, — all the gloom of doubt vanished away. (8, 12, 29)

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CN: Book 10 is a distinct departure from the first nine books of the Confessions. Only now, after the story of his conversion is finished, does Augustine address the question of why he is writing. This question leads Augustine into a far-ranging discussion of the nature of the human mind, memory, and sense perceptions.

Augustine: And from Thee, O Lord, unto whose eyes the depths of man’s conscience are naked, what in me could be hidden though I were unwilling to confess to Thee? For so should I hide Thee from myself, not myself from Thee. But now, because my groaning witnesseth that I am dissatisfied with myself, Thou shinest forth, and satisfiest, and art beloved and desired; that I may blush for myself, and renounce myself, and choose Thee, and may neither please Thee nor myself, except in Thee. To Thee, then, O Lord, am I manifest, whatever I am, and with what fruit I may confess unto Thee I have spoken. Nor do I it with words and sounds of the flesh, but with the words of the soul, and that cry of reflection which Thine ear knoweth. For when I am wicked, to confess to Thee is naught but to be dissatisfied with myself; but when I am truly devout, it is naught but not to attribute it to myself, because Thou, O Lord, dost “bless the righteous”, but first Thou justifiest him “ungodly.” My confession, therefore, O my God, in Thy sight, is made unto Thee silently, and yet not silently. For in noise it is silent, in affection it cries aloud. For neither do I give utterance to anything that is right unto men which Thou hast not heard from me before, nor dost Thou hear anything of the kind from me which Thyself saidst not first unto me. (10, 2, 2)

 

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What then have I to do with men, that they should hear my confessions, as if they were going to cure all my diseases? A people curious to know the lives of others, but slow to correct their own. Why do they desire to hear from me what I am, who are unwilling to hear from Thee what they are? And how can they tell, when they hear from me of myself, whether I speak the truth, seeing that no man knoweth what is in man, “save the spirit of man which is in him”? But if they hear from Thee ought concerning themselves, they will not be able to say, “The Lord lieth.” For what is it to hear from Thee of themselves, but to know themselves? And who is he that knoweth himself and saith, “It is false,” unless he himself lieth? But because “charity believeth all things” (amongst those at all events whom by union with itself it maketh one), I too, O Lord, also so confess unto Thee that men may hear, to whom I cannot prove whether I confess the truth, yet do they believe me whose ears charity openeth unto me. (10, 3, 3)

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But yet do Thou, my most secret Physician, make clear to me what fruit I may reap by doing it. For the confessions of my past sins, — which Thou hast “forgiven” and “covered,” that Thou mightest make me happy in Thee, changing my soul by faith and Thy sacrament, — when they are read and heard, stir up the heart, that it sleep not in despair and say, “I cannot;” but that it may awake in the love of Thy mercy and the sweetness of Thy grace, by which he that is weak is strong? if by it he is made conscious of his own weakness. As for the good, they take delight in hearing of the past errors of such as are now freed from them; and they delight, not because they are errors, but because they have been and are so no longer.

 For what fruit, then, O Lord my God, to whom my conscience maketh her daily confession, more confident in the hope of Thy mercy than in her own innocency, — for what fruit, I beseech Thee, do I confess even to men in Thy presence by this book what I am at this time, not what I have been? For that fruit I have both seen and spoken of, but what I am at this time, at the very moment of making my confessions, divers people desire to know, both who knew me and who knew me not, — who have heard of or from me, — but their ear is not at my heart, where I am whatsoever I am. They are desirous, then, of hearing me confess what I am within, where they can neither stretch eye, nor ear, nor mind; they desire it as those willing to believe, — but will they understand? For charity, by which they are good, says unto them that I do not lie in my confessions, and she in them believes me. (10, 3, 4)

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But for what fruit do they desire this? Do they wish me happiness when they learn how near, by Thy gift, I come unto Thee; and to pray for me, when they learn how much I am kept back by my own weight? To such will I declare myself. For it is no small fruit, O Lord my God, that by many thanks should be given to Thee on our behalf, and that by many Thou shouldest be entreated for us. (10, 4, 5)

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This is the fruit of my confessions, not of what I was, but of what I am, that I may confess this not before Thee only, in a secret exultation with trembling, and a secret sorrow with hope, but in the ears also of the believing sons of men, — partakers of my joy, and sharers of my mortality, my fellow-citizens and the companions of my pilgrimage, those who are gone before, and those that are to follow after, and the comrades of my way. These are Thy servants, my brethren, those whom Thou wishest to be Thy sons; my masters, whom Thou hast commanded me to serve, if I desire to live with and of Thee. But this Thy word were little to me did it command in speaking, without going before in acting. This then do I both in deed and word, this I do under Thy wings, in too great danger, were it not that my soul, under Thy wings, is subject unto Thee, and my weakness known unto Thee. I am a little one, but my Father liveth forever, and my Defender is “sufficient for me. For He is the same who begat me and who defends me; and Thou Thyself art all my good; even Thou, the Omnipotent, who art with me, and that before I am with Thee. To such, therefore, whom Thou commandest me to serve will I declare, not what I was, but what I now am, and what I still am. But neither do I judge myself. Thus then I would be heard. (10, 4, 6)

NOTE: For another translation of The Confessions that is much easier to read and comprehend, click here to buy an annotated 21st century English translation.

 

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