First of all, I don't think youth dating in high school is avoidable. If you completely isolate your children from their peers it might be avoidable, but I'm afraid your children will suffer from a different kind of depression. Also, taking them out of public schools and enrolling them in private, Christian schools won't solve the problem either. For some reason, it seems hard-wired into teens these days that high school is the appropriate time to start dating. Unfortunately, this mindset can even be found in teens at Christian schools. Why do I say unfortunately?
I say unfortunately because dating is not something that we should encourage youth to do. Although Christians often have different views of dating that differ from the more worldly connotations, there are other dangers to be avoided in dating besides pre-marital sex. My experiences with wishing to date a girl in high school should be evidence enough that just the dating mindset can be very destructive.
The problem is that when you are eighteen or younger, you have your whole life ahead of you. However, you cannot think past what you're going to do with your life after the sun sets. I remember having a very here-and-now mindset, wherein I was completely encapsulated in the present and unaware of the future. You find your high-school sweetheart, and you feel like you've fallen in love. However, you don't think about what is going to happen when you graduate from high school. You don't think about how you're going to support a family. You don't think about where you're going to settle down. You don't think about whose church you're going to attend. You don't think. You just do.
Dating should be a means to an end. All romantic relationships should be a means to an end. They should be a means to marriage, but most high school dating is more about pleasure than marriage. High school dating is about spending time doing fun things with someone that you find attractive. Most of the fun things you want to do publicly, but you're often tempted to do fun things privately. However, those fun things are reserved for married couples in the marriage bed. No one would argue that dating doesn't often lead to pre-marital sex. If we recognize this, then why as Christians do we still feel like it is appropriate for teens to date?
As a parent, when your teen starts to date, you should immediately wonder if they are ready to get married. If not, then why should they date? If they want to hang out with someone they like and spend some quality time with them, that's one thing. But if they want to get to know that person on a more romantic and emotionally vulnerable level that's something completely different. Sadly, I feel like many parents underestimate their children's ability to grow emotionally attached to someone as a teenager. Teenagers don't know what love is, they only think they do. Or so adults would like to think. The thing is, teenagers are more vulnerable to love and heartbreak in today's dating culture than ever before. The sexual tension in today's culture is also thicker than it has ever been. Teen dating, no matter how you slice it, is a dangerous proposition for parents.
When your child talks about dating, don't dismiss is by forbidding it. I'm not a parent, but as a former child, I encourage you to take a different approach. My parents forbid me from dating, but that didn't keep me from emotionally attaching myself to a girl and experiencing sexual intimacy as a teen. By forbidding dating, my parents assumed that I was more obedient and understanding than I was. Instead of protecting me from the dangers of dating, I was left to wade through the muddy waters unsupervised, in secret.
Parents, talk to you children about why they want to date someone and what they expect to gain from it. Protect them from becoming emotionally vulnerable. Limit the amount of time their allowed to spend with the person they like. Oversee their communication. Watch how they interact with each other. Invite their date over to spend time with you as a family, and don't let their relationship revolve around them as a couple. If their "date" doesn't attend your church, invite them to come once in a while, and talk about the sermon afterwards as a family, being sure to include them in the conversation. Talk in private with your child about how their relationship is going, and ask them how you can be in prayer about it. Take a godly approach to parenting a teenager persuaded to try dating, and I am sure your teen will respond with a more godly approach to dating than their peers. Odds are this boy or girl will not marry your child, and you might have to console them when their heart eventually gets broken. But your child when not be as heartbroken had they not been protected by your care and oversight of their relationship. What's more, they will know that they can come to you and talk to you about it, rather than suffering in secret.
Most parents want to prohibit their children from dating because they're afraid that it will lead to sexual temptation. This is obviously a valid and good reason. However, this approach can be very dangerous. Your children might listen, and they might tell every boy or girl that asks them out that they can't because their parents forbid it. However, if they don't obey you, then they will be dating in secret and you will be out of the loop. Your daughter will never introduce you to her boyfriend and your son will never tell you that the girl he likes is a hip-hop dancer. Although I think every parent should prohibit dating in high school, I think our society has made that a foolish option. To expect your children to remain emotionally and romantically detached in the midst of a high school culture that revolves around dating relationship is desirable but not necessarily conceivable.
Some parents throw caution to the wind, and tell themselves that they trust their child to make the right decisions and choices when it comes to dating. They insist on meeting the boy or girl, and once they find that their child is dating someone their own age they think all is well. They justify themselves by thinking: I raised Suzy to be modest, to defend herself, to fight peer pressure, and to think about the consequences of her actions. Sadly, it seems like the conversation down the road is going to somewhat mirror those thoughts: I raised you better than this, Suzy! I raised you to be modest, to defend yourself, to fight peer pressure, and to think about the consequences of your actions! I cannot believe you did this!
Here are some statistics to think about:
- 34% of teenagers have at least one pregnancy before they turn 20.
- Only one third of teen mothers finish high school.
- 58% of America believes that high school students should not be sexually active.
- 73% of America thinks that being a virgin should not be embarrassing.
- Fewer than one half of teens in high school have had sex.
- 67% of teens who had sex wished they had waited.
(Source)
The parent that is involved with their child's relationship is always portrayed as old-fashioned, untrusting, and a big prude. Yes, you could try to save face by just forbidding dating while your kids are under your roof, but you're actually removing yourself from the equation. Yes, you could just throw caution to the wind, follow suit with American culture, and let your child have free reign when it comes to dating, but you're just as guilty (if not more) when the inevitable occurs.
The problem is that parents are expected to keep their nose out of their teen's relationship, but that's not a healthy or Biblical approach. The word patriarchy tends to scare a lot of people, especially dads. The notion has been dismissed for many years, and even in the Christian church, patriarchy is frowned upon. In his book, What He Must Be...If He Wants to Marry My Daughter, Voddie Baugham Jr. writes:
"Why would God be concerned about the way Old Testament patriarchs prepared their children for marriage but not be concerned about us? Why would he give so much care and attention to the well-being of young women under the Old Covenant but abandon them to laissez-faire fathers under the New? This is inconceivable.
"God has not stopped being concerned about fathers leading their daughters into marriage by protecting them from male 'predators' so they will marry as virgins; arranging for the marriage by finding a suitable husband and making proper arrangements; ensuring a measure of security for them by providing a form of dowry; protecting them from rash vows; providing security for them if they are abandoned; and doing all of this is at least in part by instructing them in the Scriptures. Let us go, therefore, and do likewise." (2009, Baugham Jr., pg. 65)
Proverbs 22:6 teaches us to, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." The Hebrew word for "child" in this verse is not reserved for little boys, but also refers to young men. Proverbs 7 should be even further evidence that fathers are to guide their sons away from worldly women and encourage them to find wise, godly women. Does Genesis 2:24 say that a teenage boy shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his girlfriend? If not, then why do parents today believe that they are over-stepping their bounds by overseeing their teenager's relationships?
There is more than just pre-marital sex and teen pregnancy to worry about when your teens are dating. Fathers must not only safeguard and protect their children's chastity, but they must protect their sanctity and their emotional well-being. Teenagers do not put boundaries on their emotional commitment to their dating partners. A father and mother must also actively participate in their children's relationships to see that their children do not become emotionally vulnerable. Martin Luther once wrote:
I have brought up a daughter with great expense and effort, care and peril, diligence and labor; and for many years I have ventured my entire life, my person and my possessions, in the undertaking...And now she is not to be better protected for me than my cow, lost in the woods, which any wolf may devour? Who would approve of this? Likewise, is my child to stand there for all, so that any knave, unknown to me, or perhaps even a former enemy of mine, has the power and the unlimited opportunity secretly to steal her from me and take her away without my knowledge and will? There certainly is no one who would want to let his money and goods stand open to the public in this way, so that they may be taken by the first comer. But now the knave takes not only my money and goods, but my child whom I have brought up with painful care; and with my daughter he gets my goods and money besides. And so I must reward him for the grief and harm he has caused me and must let him be the heir of the possessions I have acquired with pains and labor. Surely, this is rewarding wickedness with honor; this is inviting grief and injury. (1959, Plass, What Luther Says, p. 894)
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice teaches fathers everywhere an important lesson, if you care less than Mr. Bennet about your daughter's relationships then do not be surprised if your daughter falls for a Mr. Wickham. You might find it modernly acceptable for the father to sit idly while his daughters dress immodestly and behave immodestly with all the young boys in town. However, the crime you commit against your children for not taking the care you should have in their relationships is nothing compared to the sin you commit against God for not protecting His covenant child.
Dating is a part of our teenagers' lives, and as much as we wish we could prevent them from experiencing the heartache and emotional distress that comes with the territory, I fear it is naïve to believe that forbidding dating will solve the problem. Forbidding dating is only another way to pass the buck. Rather, parents need to be involved with their children's relationships. You might be called a prude for sitting two rows behind them at the movies, you might be called old-fashioned for insisting that you meet every boy or girl that they are interested in, and they might find it annoying that you love them and care for them more than their friends' parents who throw caution to the wind. Nevertheless, you cannot afford not to protect your children from sexual temptation and emotional disaster. They will thank you when they are older, trust me. I am thankful that my wife's dad was protective of his daughter, because by protecting her he was protecting me too. Dating is a necessary evil in our children's lives anymore, but it does not have to be destructive. It might cause conflict, but good parenting always causes conflict. Spare the rod, spoil the child. It's not just about spanking, but it's about discipline. If you love your children, you'll be willing to be the "bad guy" so that they don't get crushed by dating.
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